Its been a while

It has been a bit of time since I have posted any new content on this “blog” (I still want to come up with a new term for what this is). I have my own reasons for not having made a post in a while. There is no major change going in my existence that is preventing me from posting other than writing has become a bit of an ebb. I will hopefully be able to continue from where I left off. I am surprised by the number of people who visited here while I have been away. I again apologize for the lack of substance on here. New post coming shortly.

Thank you for your time.

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Oh, that’s irrational

There was a line from a movie that  matched how I’ve felt before and still fits now.

Rob: We were frightened of being left alone for the rest of our lives. Only people of a certain disposition are frightened of being alone for the rest of their lives at the age of 26, and we were of that disposition.

The movie is High Fidelity. I saw that movie when it came out with my cousin and I loved it but it wasn’t for a couple of years before I started to feel like I would be alone for the rest of my life. In someways I still fear this. I have a wife and I love her very much but I fear the idea that one day she will not love me anymore. I worry that one day she will not love me and that I will then be alone again. Again I really have no reason to think that she will ever not love me. I also understand that people grow and people change but I just don’t want to loose her. I have worried before that all the issues I have with Amy Lee will effect how my wife feels but she knows that I love her. My wife is the best thing in my life. She has asked me at times some good questions to answer. She is trying to help em figure out what’s going on. She was around me when I started to have an “attraction” to Amy Lee so she has some memory of what was going on. I think it is the fact that she has been around so long and knows most of the screwed up things in my head. Again this is an irrational fear since after all that has gone on with me she agreed to marry me.

This fear of being alone when I die isn’t just about being romantically alone. I have really one friend. I consider him my best friend. There are others that I am friendly with but they don’t really match what I’ve understood the definition of what a friend is. I must say that I don’t  want many friends. I don’t mind having only the one friend but again I don’t want to loose that which I have. I like the idea of having a couple of like minded friends and nothing really more. I think that’s one reasons why I have wanted to have any contact with Amy Lee. I mean I have no idea how to make friends. I don’t know what you say. I don’t really know how to talk about myself in a good light. I fear that people grow apart and I don’t want to loose my friend either.

I call back to the last post on fear (Fear Can Be Powerful) to say this quickly. I still very much fear that something I say here will drive my family away. I love my family and don’t want to loose them (except where we will all loose those that we love). It is hard to think about these and it is even harder to figure how to change these things. I want to say something about finding these answers and I am going to say something about how these kind of things can be a very connective power. I still have a lot going on in my head.

Thank you for your time.

Anger issues till I’m red in the face

As I look for things that may not be the way I want them in myself, I keep coming back to something I have been dealing with since high school. My anger is not a prominent thing but when it does come up it is a problem. I have never really known why it gets so bad. I get annoyed at things that others do but they seem to effect me long after I should have moved on. I’ve blown up at my family at times. I am never really sure why I react like that since most of the discussions should never really end like that. The only thing I can really figure is that its a defense mechanism. I show anger when I am feeling vulnerable so that I might be able to get myself out of that kind of situation. Of course it never really worked but I kept doing it.

But of course the vulnerability idea doesn’t really explain the times I can get severe road rage (the best example I have). Those times where something simple just really pisses me off. I realize that it is a common occurrence in today’s time but I do think that (in me at least) it is not a good thing to get that pissed. There have been times where I have gotten that angry with my wife in the car but thankfully she tries to calm me down so I can concentrate on the other people driving. There is more to this and I want to get to the bottom of this. I think finding the cause is a good thing. I don’t need to find a way to deal with my anger. I just need to not let it affect me. I have read studies that I seem to hold up that trying to release your anger only amplifies the amount of anger that you feel (I think I really explained that wrong). They say that just trying to relax and let anger go is better than trying to find a healthy way to express it. In a way turning the healthy expression into something unhealthy. And as I sit here listening to George Carlin’s album Occupation Foole on vinyl that just relaxing really is a good idea. Though finding the source of the short fuse is also a good idea. I shall update you on the search when I have something.

Thank you for your time.

A Direction I Didn’t See Tell Now

I realize this post is later than I had said in my last blog post but I have a reason. I have been trying to write something as engaging and thought provoking as I intended when I started this blog. I now realize that I need to go at this in a way that my sister had suggested to me. Because she knows that I have an issue with depression (undiagnosed) she has suggested that I use this place to write about my feelings on my emotions and what I am thinking. As I have kept trying to write other posts on here I keep running into myself and my own low self worth. I now realize that I can change this but I need to figure myself out. I am going to do this here. So I hope you enjoy my own personal mental revolution. It at times may prove to be more of what my wife has now nicknamed this, PlanetHendrix’s Personal Insane Asylum, but it will help.

Goodnight and Thank you for your time.