A Step Back to an Odd Dichotomy

I am going to go a little more personal on this one. I’ve been noticing a funny difference in the way my work affects me vs. the way I would think that it would. First a little history that sets the idea. I am a person who truly enjoys things that force me to slow down. What I mean is that I like things that take time. Not all the time but it can very relaxing and can help quite, what I consider to be, my very active mind.

One example of this is something I bought for myself a number of years ago. It is an old style pen set. The kind of pen set that requires you to have a bottle of ink that you have to occasionally dip the pen into. Other than what you have to do while writing, the set up is very helpful since there is so much I have to do to get ready to write. I have an older style leather bound journal and I have recently thought about writing a couple of letters with it so I can get to my “happy place”. I love the idea of slowing down time. The idea of having to take time to do multiple steps. I hope that paints the picture that I want.

So now to work. At my job I put things on shelves. I actually put things on shelves that you might buy. It has more of a process than you might think. Or at least I see more of a process. The idea of finding what you have to put up. The opening of the box. The placing of the items on the shelf. In my mind there is a wonderful process to it.

With that then you would think that I would love my job but I don’t. There are many reasons why I don’t and you would think that many of them would be placated by the idea of a very process heavy job. It isn’t. I think because I am not really able to enjoy the process. The job I have is very time sensitive. I am not able to take the time to revel in the process. I am not one that minds being in a rush. I have had to be many times. I have even been able to revel in a process while being rushed while doing sound. I think the difference here is that I still have many questions to be answered. I have been at this job for 4 months and I still don’t know everything I need to do the job well. And I think that is where it truly lies. If I knew more I might even be able to revel in the process of my job.

I mean I have enough knowledge of sound that the differences and changes in my process are only because each situation is different. I feel good about those times because I know enough to change what I’m doing. Why I can’t stand the changes to my process at my work putting up stock is that they are controlled by the fact that I still don’t know enough. It is more controlled from outside than inside my head. It is controlled from people walking up to me and saying, “You shouldn’t do that like that. Here’s how you should do that.” I am thankful for the help but it does screw up my process. It is also a little annoying especially when someone tells you that you have to come up with your own process. But that is what we sometimes have to put up with isn’t it. And I thank you for staying with me this far. I fear I got a bit rambly and a bit non-cohesive but that seems to be part of my style on these personal things. Thanks for reading.

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In a dream

I haven’t been sleeping very well recently. My dreams have been knocking me out of sleep recently. I’ve been having more disturbing dreams recently. They have been more with death in them this week then I can remember in a long time. Death either caused by me or me being killed. They can be as absurd as the most gore filled horror movie (which I don’t watch) or just a hunt and kill kind of thing. The lightest one that I have had was one last night where I was kept from getting to my wife during a very unrealistic natural disaster that  was on its way to killing me (in my dream) before I woke up.

The dreams that I that disturb me the most are the ones where I am the one walking around killing people. I really don’t think that it is supposed to be me but I am seeing everything from that persons eyes. These are the dreams that I remember most after I wake up and they can occasionally effect me for the rest of the day. Not to mention that I don’t seem to have gotten restful sleep when I have them. On occasion things start before I go to sleep. As I close my eyes at the end of the night I start seeing gore and death. I don’t know why I see these things and I don’t know why its gotten worse.

Normally I don’t really dream at all. Or at least I don’t remember them when I wake in the morning. But the few I have normally are the kind that I like more. They are more comforting. I have the general kind that are my wife and me being able to survive. Actually more that survive thrive. Us having a nice house and a small family. The interesting ones I have are when my real life wants enter my dreams. I am referring to the dreams that I have where I am friends with Amy Lee. I get to talk to her face to face. Or I get to work with her. I wish I could have these again. Something seems to be going wrong.

Thank you for your time.

A Direction I Didn’t See Tell Now

I realize this post is later than I had said in my last blog post but I have a reason. I have been trying to write something as engaging and thought provoking as I intended when I started this blog. I now realize that I need to go at this in a way that my sister had suggested to me. Because she knows that I have an issue with depression (undiagnosed) she has suggested that I use this place to write about my feelings on my emotions and what I am thinking. As I have kept trying to write other posts on here I keep running into myself and my own low self worth. I now realize that I can change this but I need to figure myself out. I am going to do this here. So I hope you enjoy my own personal mental revolution. It at times may prove to be more of what my wife has now nicknamed this, PlanetHendrix’s Personal Insane Asylum, but it will help.

Goodnight and Thank you for your time.