I Just Can’t Feel That

First let me apologize for missing last week. I really have no good reason and will not try to make up an excuse. I don’t plan on trying to make up for those times. It will just be a missed week. But of course that is not what I intend to talk about today. Last week while I was finding it hard to write something happened that is both upsetting and a relief at the same time. My uncle, who has been suffering from the affects of cancer, finally succumbed. From what I understand our family had expected a little more time to be able to say all that needed to be said before he finally passed.

What I am finding is that I am not sad about it. I don’t just mean that I am not sad because I feel that it is a better thing to happen. He was suffering greatly and that from the stories that I have been told he was in great pain. All his searching for help came up with just finding a way to prolong the search for a treatment. He was fighting hard and it sadly was a loosing battle in the end.

As said before I am not sad about this. I am truthful when I say that I am in many ways happy that it has happened. I am happy because to watch, in the few times that I have been able to observe, what his cancer has been doing to him and ask for more time to be with him seems the ultimate kind of arrogance to me. Asking him to continue to live in pain while I find comfort in the idea of his death is wrong to me. I am happy because he no longer suffers. I feel at this moment I should say that I have never felt that anyone in my family ever wanted him to suffer for their own emotional needs and none of their actions say that they have. This is just part of a larger conversation in my head. We all wished for him to be able find a way to end his pain.

But of course the truth is that the feelings I have felt about this have been fleeting. I have gotten over this very quickly. And for that I am just a little bit sad. I wish I could feel more emotions for this but I can’t. I don’t know why I can’t and I have been trying to figure out why since I realized that I didn’t have the A typical emotional response about death.  The only thing I feel is anger but this has nothing to do with that sad event. I have been trying to deal with a lot of anger recently and maybe when I figure out what is causing the anger I can understand the other things.

I would like to thank you for reading this. This one is definitely a more personal post and I hope to get onto other topics soon.



Oh, that’s irrational

There was a line from a movie that  matched how I’ve felt before and still fits now.

Rob: We were frightened of being left alone for the rest of our lives. Only people of a certain disposition are frightened of being alone for the rest of their lives at the age of 26, and we were of that disposition.

The movie is High Fidelity. I saw that movie when it came out with my cousin and I loved it but it wasn’t for a couple of years before I started to feel like I would be alone for the rest of my life. In someways I still fear this. I have a wife and I love her very much but I fear the idea that one day she will not love me anymore. I worry that one day she will not love me and that I will then be alone again. Again I really have no reason to think that she will ever not love me. I also understand that people grow and people change but I just don’t want to loose her. I have worried before that all the issues I have with Amy Lee will effect how my wife feels but she knows that I love her. My wife is the best thing in my life. She has asked me at times some good questions to answer. She is trying to help em figure out what’s going on. She was around me when I started to have an “attraction” to Amy Lee so she has some memory of what was going on. I think it is the fact that she has been around so long and knows most of the screwed up things in my head. Again this is an irrational fear since after all that has gone on with me she agreed to marry me.

This fear of being alone when I die isn’t just about being romantically alone. I have really one friend. I consider him my best friend. There are others that I am friendly with but they don’t really match what I’ve understood the definition of what a friend is. I must say that I don’t  want many friends. I don’t mind having only the one friend but again I don’t want to loose that which I have. I like the idea of having a couple of like minded friends and nothing really more. I think that’s one reasons why I have wanted to have any contact with Amy Lee. I mean I have no idea how to make friends. I don’t know what you say. I don’t really know how to talk about myself in a good light. I fear that people grow apart and I don’t want to loose my friend either.

I call back to the last post on fear (Fear Can Be Powerful) to say this quickly. I still very much fear that something I say here will drive my family away. I love my family and don’t want to loose them (except where we will all loose those that we love). It is hard to think about these and it is even harder to figure how to change these things. I want to say something about finding these answers and I am going to say something about how these kind of things can be a very connective power. I still have a lot going on in my head.

Thank you for your time.