I Just Can’t Feel That

First let me apologize for missing last week. I really have no good reason and will not try to make up an excuse. I don’t plan on trying to make up for those times. It will just be a missed week. But of course that is not what I intend to talk about today. Last week while I was finding it hard to write something happened that is both upsetting and a relief at the same time. My uncle, who has been suffering from the affects of cancer, finally succumbed. From what I understand our family had expected a little more time to be able to say all that needed to be said before he finally passed.

What I am finding is that I am not sad about it. I don’t just mean that I am not sad because I feel that it is a better thing to happen. He was suffering greatly and that from the stories that I have been told he was in great pain. All his searching for help came up with just finding a way to prolong the search for a treatment. He was fighting hard and it sadly was a loosing battle in the end.

As said before I am not sad about this. I am truthful when I say that I am in many ways happy that it has happened. I am happy because to watch, in the few times that I have been able to observe, what his cancer has been doing to him and ask for more time to be with him seems the ultimate kind of arrogance to me. Asking him to continue to live in pain while I find comfort in the idea of his death is wrong to me. I am happy because he no longer suffers. I feel at this moment I should say that I have never felt that anyone in my family ever wanted him to suffer for their own emotional needs and none of their actions say that they have. This is just part of a larger conversation in my head. We all wished for him to be able find a way to end his pain.

But of course the truth is that the feelings I have felt about this have been fleeting. I have gotten over this very quickly. And for that I am just a little bit sad. I wish I could feel more emotions for this but I can’t. I don’t know why I can’t and I have been trying to figure out why since I realized that I didn’t have the A typical emotional response about death.  The only thing I feel is anger but this has nothing to do with that sad event. I have been trying to deal with a lot of anger recently and maybe when I figure out what is causing the anger I can understand the other things.

I would like to thank you for reading this. This one is definitely a more personal post and I hope to get onto other topics soon.

 

A Representation of Something

This is a continuation of ideas that I covered in another post (for those who want to read it first “Music Soothes this Savage Mind“). As I keep going over the feelings I have for Amy Lee I keep coming back to the idea that she is just a human representation of something. A representation of what I have no idea. It does explain how there is a separation from her music and her. I mean I can still be very honest about the music from Evanescence. I really didn’t like the most recent album but that has no effect on how I think of her. I know that is an odd statement. Its odd because that should always be the way we think of art. The artist’s personality should have little connection to a person’s perception of the quality of the art created. In my search for answers I have found that not to be. I have also seen that idea being taken to the opposite extreme. But this isn’t the point of this post (maybe I’ll cover it later).

I think that most of my longing for a relationship of any kind with Ms. Lee (I’ll use the more respectful use of her name since I have never been given permission to call her anything else) is me longing for that which she represents in my head. I think on of the things that is obvious for me that she represents is the ability to have a job that I love and that I can make enough money so that I don’t have to worry about money. That really isn’t anything profound and is simple but for me it is a step forward. My steps have taken years partially because for a while I wasn’t questioning why I had an attraction to Amy Lee. I just want to say that my next few statements are not meant to change anyone’s minds. They are my own interactions and understanding and my own feelings. Take them for what you will. These are my personal feelings.

One of the major reasons why I hadn’t questioned things until now was religion (again I state that this is my personal feelings and not meant to change a mind. It is my understanding of things). I first had seen Ms. Lee like most when the music video for Bring Me to Life Came out. At first I was only drawn to the music. At some point a friend of mine reminded me of a Wiccan ideal (I was a follower of the Wiccan Religion at the time). Again at first Ms. Lee was not in my thoughts at this time. We were just taking time and meditating on the spiritual human connections. What we were trying to do was trace spiritual connections to the major people in our lives or the people that will be in our lives. It was one meditation period that I started to feel that greater connection with Ms. Lee. To my recollection I had not heard any of her music and as far as I can remember I had not seen anything on her in a while. Then that I day I started to feel that greater connection with her.

At the time this started I was not having a very good time. I had done some things that got me thrown out of my Father’s girlfriends house. I was living in a cockroach infested apartment with my wife (girlfriend at the time). I was happy to see something that would be coming later in life. How exactly it was supposed to happen was not something that I was worrying about. I really didn’t even know why her. When I looked for answers for those two major ideas I kept running into the idea that sometimes answers don’t come easily and you must wait for them to be presented to you. Because I like the thought of having something as wonderful as an ordained relationship that will come in time was great. It was a way of seeing a light at the end of a very dark and lonely tunnel. In a way she was an Angel that was going to lead me to a better place.

What got me to question was eventually I was wanting the answers to how could I even be able to connect with her. At first I was finding answers that said if I deepened the spiritual connection I could contact her over that connection. Sadly for a while I felt I had connected with her (crazy I know). The issue became that if I am connected with her then I should be able to see some sign from her. So the question became why can’t I see the signs. And the more I wanted the answers the more I started to realize that the answers I was getting were bullshit. I think that was one of the things that made me angry. The idea that the answers were basically lies that were meant to either keep me ignorant or they were meant to keep me guessing. When I went searching for answers on my own I kept coming to the idea that it was something that I had created myself to get me through the tough times. I eventually felt that I could move past that so now I wonder why I still think of her that way. It is a question that I still work on especially since my life is very much improving and I have a wife I love very much.

I will say that I did learn somethings from my time in the Wiccan Religion. One major thing I learned is that there is greater things in people. We are deep creatures even though we like to boil someone down to their most basic nature. That is one of the reasons why I don’t like most interviews and why I prefer to talk to people myself. So I will say that I would love to be able to understand the deeper nature of Amy Lee. In some ways I think it may help me understand myself. It can do that by understanding the questions I would ask. By what I ask her it represents the kind of answers I want to know. Either from myself or anybody. Then of course I still want some reassurance that my ability to judge people is as good as I think it is. I hope that this little look into my history is as informative for you as it was for me and I thank you for reading it. Since it is so long I am going to cut it off here and continue some of these ideas in another post.

Thank you for your time