A Slight Divergence

I intend to continue with the topics list but I had a new idea that I wanted to share. I think I have actually come up with a plausible catchy name for this, whatever the hell it is that I am trying to make. I’ve seen a couple of things that make me want to wait before I reveal the name. This seems like a just a small step but it does feel like another step forward. I’ve also been thinking more about more people that I want to “interview”. I put that in quotes because I don’t want to interview someone. I want it to be a conversation. That sounds cliche but I can’t find another way to put it.

As I keep think about more people to talk to and other topics to cover that I have so much to cover. It also keeps reiterating the fact that I will not be able to do this alone. I will need help. The issue is how am I going to get it. I live in such a small town that the kind of help I need will not come easy. But I am not giving up.

Thank you for your time.


On Work

This is kind of a addition to that last post (Hate to Admit). I realize that menial are not really jobs that anybody enjoys having but I would be willing to work my ass off if I had one. Jobs now a days seem to be more about survival more than about enjoyment. I think everyone has there dream job. I actually have a couple of dream jobs. I’ve really been considering the things I want to do for a career especially since I am not getting work currently more than the occasional odd job. I have been working as a sound engineer for the last 4 years but I haven’t been able to get enough work to pay the bills. I love being a sound engineer and I wish I could get on as a front of house sound engineer for a band but I am noticing I am going to have to move from my current location to make that easier.

I’ve even thought about trying to become a writer. I am not sure what I would write about. I mean I’ve been able to make some decent posts about music before and I do ok at writing these posts but I am not sure I could be a journalist. I have started to work on a Sci-fi book. I find it easier to write because I am not as worried about someone reading it so quickly. I have the ability to edit it more before someone sees it. I am actually excited about writing my book. I am still doing a bit of research and organizing of thoughts. I am not really sure how it will turn out but I hope its good. I’m not sure if either of these jobs will actually comes to pass but it is good to dream at times. I am in a little bit of a better place right now even though I’ve had an issue recently so I was just thinking about where I would like to go.

Thank you for your time.

Is it wrong

Is it wrong that I still want to have a friendship with Amy Lee? I am feeling down right now and that question is popping into my head. I am fascinated by her and I want to know her. I don’t give a shit about the music or why she wrote certain songs. I care about what is in her mind. I want to get to know the whole person not just the musician. I never really know how to explain myself especially at these times. I don’t really think that being able to have any contact with her will change the frequency and longevity of my depressive states so I am not even sure what it is that I really what I expect having a friend like her to do. She seems intelligent and I think there is a hell of a lot more than we are allowed to see. It maybe that I just want to know that we as humans are deeper than the little things. I don’t really think I am of value and I have to be reminded that I am of value to my family and friend. She is a fixation, I think, because she is foreign to me but seems to be very similar in someways. I am never sure and I war with myself constantly over this idea but I do believe that you can tell what’s deeper in a person’s mind. When I look at photos of her I get the idea that she has a lot of mentalities like I do. Even as I write this, this just still seems like sentimental unavailable bullshit that I am using to get me through these tougher times. The way I see it has changed some but it is still there and it won’t go away. Sometimes I don’t want it to. These periods are getting more frequent and sometimes harder to deal with. I don’t know why but I find the idea something that will never happen comforting. If she ever were to read this blog she would never want to talk to me and frankly I can’t blame her. Could anyone? This was just a spur of the moment post so I thank you for reading it. I thank anyone who reads my ramblings. I hope in some small way it helps others to know that they are not alone though even I feel that way a lot.

Thank you for your time.

A question and a change of dates.

As I think about this blog I can’t really bring myself to only post here on one day week. With the new concept I am just going to write and post when I feel I need to or want to. So what I am saying is that if you want to read these, what ever the hell you want to call them, I would check back often.

Now onto what got me wanting to write tonight.

I have been questioning the difference between dreams and fantasies. I don’t really think there is a difference. I mean both really aren’t attainable, at least the way I see it. I have dreamed and I have had fantasies and neither seem to be anything more than unattainable ideas that just get me through the lowest points. There is a bit of cognitive dissonance in the fact that I know they are unattainable but yet I keep them to help get me through the worst points. There not the only things that I have. I do have the most important woman in my life and if I were to give in then I don’t know what would happen to her. I would say also that what it would do to my parents and my sister but I would be lying. I am not saying that I don’t love them and that they don’t mean anything to me. On the contrary the fact that I love them and them mean so much to me is why at times I have thought of ending the burden that I cause them. I have heard them many times tell me that I do not cause them any burden but it still doesn’t register well. I still think that without my issues there life would be vastly different. So there is definitely a battle going on in my mind and I am not even sure which side is winning. I am not terrible comfortable yet with going into deeper details about what my “fantasies” or “dreams” are but I may become more comfortable with the idea of admitting them on a public forum like this. I think I want to stop here.
Goodnight and Thank you for your time.