I Just Can’t Feel That

First let me apologize for missing last week. I really have no good reason and will not try to make up an excuse. I don’t plan on trying to make up for those times. It will just be a missed week. But of course that is not what I intend to talk about today. Last week while I was finding it hard to write something happened that is both upsetting and a relief at the same time. My uncle, who has been suffering from the affects of cancer, finally succumbed. From what I understand our family had expected a little more time to be able to say all that needed to be said before he finally passed.

What I am finding is that I am not sad about it. I don’t just mean that I am not sad because I feel that it is a better thing to happen. He was suffering greatly and that from the stories that I have been told he was in great pain. All his searching for help came up with just finding a way to prolong the search for a treatment. He was fighting hard and it sadly was a loosing battle in the end.

As said before I am not sad about this. I am truthful when I say that I am in many ways happy that it has happened. I am happy because to watch, in the few times that I have been able to observe, what his cancer has been doing to him and ask for more time to be with him seems the ultimate kind of arrogance to me. Asking him to continue to live in pain while I find comfort in the idea of his death is wrong to me. I am happy because he no longer suffers. I feel at this moment I should say that I have never felt that anyone in my family ever wanted him to suffer for their own emotional needs and none of their actions say that they have. This is just part of a larger conversation in my head. We all wished for him to be able find a way to end his pain.

But of course the truth is that the feelings I have felt about this have been fleeting. I have gotten over this very quickly. And for that I am just a little bit sad. I wish I could feel more emotions for this but I can’t. I don’t know why I can’t and I have been trying to figure out why since I realized that I didn’t have the A typical emotional response about death.  The only thing I feel is anger but this has nothing to do with that sad event. I have been trying to deal with a lot of anger recently and maybe when I figure out what is causing the anger I can understand the other things.

I would like to thank you for reading this. This one is definitely a more personal post and I hope to get onto other topics soon.

 

In a dream

I haven’t been sleeping very well recently. My dreams have been knocking me out of sleep recently. I’ve been having more disturbing dreams recently. They have been more with death in them this week then I can remember in a long time. Death either caused by me or me being killed. They can be as absurd as the most gore filled horror movie (which I don’t watch) or just a hunt and kill kind of thing. The lightest one that I have had was one last night where I was kept from getting to my wife during a very unrealistic natural disaster that  was on its way to killing me (in my dream) before I woke up.

The dreams that I that disturb me the most are the ones where I am the one walking around killing people. I really don’t think that it is supposed to be me but I am seeing everything from that persons eyes. These are the dreams that I remember most after I wake up and they can occasionally effect me for the rest of the day. Not to mention that I don’t seem to have gotten restful sleep when I have them. On occasion things start before I go to sleep. As I close my eyes at the end of the night I start seeing gore and death. I don’t know why I see these things and I don’t know why its gotten worse.

Normally I don’t really dream at all. Or at least I don’t remember them when I wake in the morning. But the few I have normally are the kind that I like more. They are more comforting. I have the general kind that are my wife and me being able to survive. Actually more that survive thrive. Us having a nice house and a small family. The interesting ones I have are when my real life wants enter my dreams. I am referring to the dreams that I have where I am friends with Amy Lee. I get to talk to her face to face. Or I get to work with her. I wish I could have these again. Something seems to be going wrong.

Thank you for your time.