I Just Can’t Feel That

First let me apologize for missing last week. I really have no good reason and will not try to make up an excuse. I don’t plan on trying to make up for those times. It will just be a missed week. But of course that is not what I intend to talk about today. Last week while I was finding it hard to write something happened that is both upsetting and a relief at the same time. My uncle, who has been suffering from the affects of cancer, finally succumbed. From what I understand our family had expected a little more time to be able to say all that needed to be said before he finally passed.

What I am finding is that I am not sad about it. I don’t just mean that I am not sad because I feel that it is a better thing to happen. He was suffering greatly and that from the stories that I have been told he was in great pain. All his searching for help came up with just finding a way to prolong the search for a treatment. He was fighting hard and it sadly was a loosing battle in the end.

As said before I am not sad about this. I am truthful when I say that I am in many ways happy that it has happened. I am happy because to watch, in the few times that I have been able to observe, what his cancer has been doing to him and ask for more time to be with him seems the ultimate kind of arrogance to me. Asking him to continue to live in pain while I find comfort in the idea of his death is wrong to me. I am happy because he no longer suffers. I feel at this moment I should say that I have never felt that anyone in my family ever wanted him to suffer for their own emotional needs and none of their actions say that they have. This is just part of a larger conversation in my head. We all wished for him to be able find a way to end his pain.

But of course the truth is that the feelings I have felt about this have been fleeting. I have gotten over this very quickly. And for that I am just a little bit sad. I wish I could feel more emotions for this but I can’t. I don’t know why I can’t and I have been trying to figure out why since I realized that I didn’t have the A typical emotional response about death.  The only thing I feel is anger but this has nothing to do with that sad event. I have been trying to deal with a lot of anger recently and maybe when I figure out what is causing the anger I can understand the other things.

I would like to thank you for reading this. This one is definitely a more personal post and I hope to get onto other topics soon.

 

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Giving Answers Without Questions

This recommendation is going to be a little interesting since what I would like to share maybe a little hard to find. It’s a documentary made by Stephen Fry and Ross Wilson. Its called “Stephen Fry: The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive“. It was originally shown on British television and, as you can see by the link, has been released on DVD. The problem is that the DVD is Region 2 and will not play in your average American DVD player. I am sure there are other ways you can see this documentary and I will let all who are interested find it on their own.

But of course now the question arises why should someone take the time to find this documentary or even purchase it. Well for starters I wanted to watch it just to placate my need to garner more knowledge. There is a great amount of information on Bi-polar disorder and key signs of the disease. There are discussions about what age you can diagnose and the different ways it can be diagnosed. There is also a discussion on how the diagnosis has changed over the years. The last given through the first person experience of Stephen Fry who is going back and asking new questions that he has.

Having his personal story being the driving force behind this documentary I think adds something that is usually lost when done other times. When I have seen other programs that try and have a personal feel to them the focus tends to be more emotionally driven and less about the actual facts about the subject matter. I am not saying that taking things from an emotional perspective is bad but I do think that their are subjects where facts need to be considered on the same plain. Where this documentary gets its drive from is hard to say. I think it comes from a combination of the inquisitive nature of Stephen Fry and the depth of the subject matter.

The fact that there are so many different ways that Bi-polar disorder can manifest itself gives a number of questions to the larger list. We learn how it showed itself in Stephen Fry and he spends the two hours (broken into two episodes for television) talking to others about the time when they first noticed symptoms and signs. In the second half he also discussed the idea of treatment. I found this part particularly interesting because he looks at this from the side of a man who has never taken medication but who may need it. This opens up to a lot of information not just on medication but there is even discussions of more alternative ways of controlling the ups and downs of the disease.

There is so much more that I could say but I do not want to give away to much. I will say though that if you, or someone you know, suffers from or may suffer from that this is an excellent beginning point for research. I know it has given me a few answers about myself and obviously it has raised a few as well. I hope those who watch it find it informative. But also don’t feel that you have to have a tie to Bi-polar Disorder before viewing this. It is always great to expand our own knowledge base. And as always thank you for reading this.

A New Type of Funding

As I research a way to get my own ideas to come from my head and into reality, I keep running into the idea of funding. Well I can’t say I keep running into it as it is a constant spectre that reminds me of the difficulty of taking on such life changing ideas. I mean that keep running into the areas where it is the biggest issue. From equipment, to travel, to the cost that I will have to brunt in my own life as the ideas I have are so large and difficult to do against a second job. So I have been looking for a way to fund a couple of my ideas.

My search has brought me to that mecca of public funding, Kickstarter. There is something very right with what Kickstarter (and other websites like it) is trying to do. Bringing people wanting to fund projects that they like with the projects needing funding is not really a new idea but just the ease at which everyday people can do is new. I mean when was the last time that you could help fund a major motion picture.

The wide variety of projects that you find that actually made it to their “fully funded” point shows that there are a lot of people willing to help. And many of those have even gone further than the original asking price. The only problem that I have with Kickstarter is that they are an all or nothing operation. I do think that with at least half of the asking price that someone could find other means of funding. That being said, from the perspective of a person who intends to avail myself of their services, it is a good idea to be able to test an idea before you get too far into it.

What I mean is, I can see how many people would be willing to listen to my idea for a podcast by seeing how many are willing to help finance it. I know that there is a step back as there are some that are willing to listen but not donate. Look at the funding for NPR as a good example. But if you have many people willing to put forth a little money they are also willing to help promote by telling people. I still think that word of mouth is still the best way to promote something at first while you build up your audience. People trust friends and family more than they do advertisers.

I can’t think of much more to say about Kickstarter at this moment and I think that it is better to go and see for yourself. So click here and gain your own opinion. And maybe help out some startup that you think will help change the world for the better. Thank you as always for reading. See you next week. And I will keep you apprised of my try.

Lessons Lost

There is always talk of what lessons can we learn from tragedies like the Boston Marathon bombing. There is also talk about what we can do to make ourselves safer. I think that these questions are not bad but I do believe that we try and answer them at the wrong time. We let emotion rule our decisions. We have felt fear, anger, and pain that we understandably never want to feel again. But I think we don’t try and see how much we loose when we ask for safety. We willingly give away freedoms so that we can gain a false sense of safety. If you think about the days that we as a nation have been part of the world and compare that too the number of times we have had a terrorist event. If you run the numbers the actual chances that you would be killed in an attack are slim. I have even heard of a study that says that you are more likely to get killed in a police shooting than a terror attack.

As I have never had to feel first hand the emotions that come from being so close to such events I cannot speak from experience but why could I not speak. I am a citizen and I am affected by the rules and laws that are created after things like Boston and 9/11. I do not enjoy the feeling of being treated like a criminal just for a false sense of safety. I am not talking about small rules made for safety. I work at a theatre and we have rules that prevent people from going places that are dangerous. So I can understand things like airlines locking the cockpit door and only allowing in authorized personnel. I would have actually figured that would have been a rule after the 70’s but who am I.

What I’m talking about when I say that we’re being treated like criminals. I mean things like the random pat downs at airports. The multiple cameras that we are putting into our city centers. The multiple metal detectors that are being put up in  The question that I always will ask is, has any of these things helped actually stop any crime that could have been stopped by using the means we had before new rules where implemented. The problem is that we never really get the statistics on the effectiveness of the laws. I want to know because it is our job to make sure that the government isn’t overstepping their bounds. Recently we have been taking government employees at their word more than we should have to. Again the reason is public safety. I would rather die free than live in a world where I have to prove that I am not a criminal and where I have to prove that I am worthy of that kind of information. Don’t forget that the government is actually supposed to work for us, the people.

So, the lesson is that we need to decide if we want to be free or safe. We can be vigilant and we can be proactive but we don’t have to go to excess. I think that the greatest question that is asked that we need to answer is why? Once we can answer why then we can figure out how to stop these type  things. And sadly as we keep seeing there will always be someone willing to do horrible things. It seems bad to end on something like that but take comfort in how everyone has come together and there still are so many more who have a high respect for human life. We will come together.

I apologize for the disjointed nature of this post but as I said before this is a difficult subject to write on. Thank you for reading.

For Everyone or No One

I am about to touch on a subject that is part of what I’ve heard called “the third rail of blogging”. I guess any social issue is a kind of third rail but this one is pretty bad, apparently. So, here goes. I’ve been watching the “debate” over same sex marriage. I know the reasons why people don’t want it but I have never understood those reasons. I’ve never really understood the Christian argument against same sex marriage. Especially given the other ideals that they say is part of their religion. Of course I can never understand anyone that tries to deny someone the basic human right to be happy in their life.

Since I am not a religious scholar I will not go into that. I may one day try and explain my understanding of the argument. It will be based on my conversations with Christians but on this post I am going to explain my own feelings on same sex marriage. Simply put I do not care. Well I don’t care who someone wants to marry. I do care that it is currently illegal in many states for someone to make that decision for themselves. There is no good reason to tell anyone that they cann’t avail themselves of government programs for married people.

There is one religious saying that I can see using as a life rule. It is the Wiccan Rede. “And it harm none, do what thou wilt”. While I don’t believe in any of the aspects of Wicca, I can at least see saying being a good way to think of the whole argument. I have no will to take anybodies ability to make a decision from them unless it enters the public sphere. Only when it enters the public sphere can we begin to discuss what is allowed. And in my opinion there is a very small list of things that I think should be illegal.

Who someone loves or has sex with doesn’t, except in very rare occasions, enter the public sphere. Someone marrying someone also doesn’t enter the public sphere. Since it doesn’t enter that sphere I have no reason to know about it nor do I have any reason why it should affect my life. This was a bit of a disjointed opinion but it is hard to go into greater detail on the opinion of “it doesn’t effect me so I don’t care”.

I’ve heard a quote that sums this up well. It is a quote from Michael Goudeau, from Penn’s Sunday School. And a number of other projects.

There’s nothing more interesting to me than my sex life but there’s really nothing less interesting to me than yours.

I may have gotten that wrong but what I am trying to say is that I will never why people care enough to keep it from happening.

Gonna be a bit long

I am going to have to do something soon that I don’t want to do. I am going to have to get rid of my Internet connection. I would like to keep it but I have come to realize that it is a hindrance to trying to get my life on a better track. It is a bill that is more expensive than I can really afford to have right now. I am going to have to knock it back to just a telephone. I won’t completely stop writing but it will be even more time between. This will not happen in the next couple of weeks but it will happen soon. I wanted to get this out there. I enjoy writing like this so I will work to try and get this back up and running. I thank everyone who has been reading and commenting. I will hopefully have more soon.

Thank you for your time.

My Priorities

I think I’ve got my priorities wrong. I’ve been trying to figure out the wrong things. I have been trying to figure out stuff that really has little to no impact on my life at the moment. I have been spending too much of my time a trying to figure out things that really the only reason I have been stuck on them because I could not for the life of me figure out why I wanted the idea in the first place. I have also been looking at these things as if they did matter only because it makes me look at things from different angles. I am realizing that I have been spending way to much time trying to answer questions that don’t matter. I am letting go of somethings and I am going to try and really change how things are going in my life. How I’ve done things tell now are not working. I am going to change that and I am going to be reworking my priorities soon. I need to work on questions that can be answered and not questions that really don’t have an answer. I need to work on the answers that matter. I need to rethink everything. This was probably a bit confusing and I’m sorry.

Thank you for your time.