Don’t know what

I am in a better place right now but I don’t know what to write. I am still running into the same issue I have when I’m feeling depressed. I have tried to write a couple of things recently but they don’t seem to be coming out how I envision them. What I mean is they don’t sound very good. I am really wanting to write as I am in a much better mood than I have been for a while. I’ve been trying to work on getting my dreams to come true since I can see a few ways of gaining them. With writing I am actually getting more ideas for my book and I am finding that I have more energy to write. I will say though that I have done somethings recently to try and pull my dreams closer and I am feeling foolish for something I’ve done. I don’t want to go into detail but I do feel like it was a stupid move and I am sure that it won’t work. I regret what I have done. That was good for me to say even if I am the only one that understands it so I apologize for that little bit.

On other parts I am continuing to work in my field but it is being continually shown to me that I really do need to go back to school and get my associates at least. It should help make many issues in my life much easier. I am happy that I am able to have a bit of a respite from my depression and I plan on trying to do something while I am not effected by it. I have been wanting to write longer posts. I don’t like that I have been having to make such short posts so that I can get them out. It is not that I make them short so they can be put out. I just feel that I have to write until either it sounds bad or until I feel I have said something. If I can feel like I have said something I try and post quickly enough so that it is out there in the world so I can’t change it. This is just another question to add to my list of things to figure out. A bit scatter shot but that seems to be the way my brain has been working recently. I thank you for making it this far. And as always:

Thank you for your time.


Hate to admit

This ones gonna be a bit more of a rant. I’ve been dealing with something for a while and I finally think I want to put it down on paper. How this starts is by a question.

How the hell don’t I have a job?

I don’t like making it seem that I have a huge ego or that I think I am better than people but there are times I have to question that. I am getting very tired of seeing people who don’t want to do the work having the job. They do not want to do the things that are required by the job. The things that they are being paid to do. In example: Someone who is supposed to clean a building that tries to do anything he can to keep from doing it. I am tired of being out of work and seeing other people getting paid to do as little work as they can. I am willing to work my ass off for who ever wants me to. I am willing to do the best job I can but I can’t seem to get even an interview. I am tired of not being able to pay my bills because I can’t find work and I am tired of watching people who won’t work as hard as I will having jobs. Rant over.

Thank you for your time.

What I want

I have decided recently that I really do want a pen pal. I want it to be who I want. I want it to be Amy Lee. The why is still a mystery to me and I am not even sure on the how. I get comfort from the idea that I could come home and get a nice e-mail from her and then be able to write something back. I like the idea of having something more to look forward to more than what I already have. It is a fantasy and dream. It is a fantasy cause it is something that is so incredibly unlikely but it is a dream because of that even .000000001 percent chance of happening (that’s using my personal definitions). I have recently got a kick in the ass to start to think about those things I want out of life and in life.

I still realize that the likelihood that she would even feel comfortable enough to write me. But lets just say she would for a moment (crazy I know). How would I even contact her in the first place that she would take as a serious request for friendship. I’ve been a couple of recommendations that I felt would be going way to far and very unhelpful. Of course though those recommendations were not meant to be taken seriously. And really I think that I just want to get to know who she is above and beyond what someone can get from a general search on the internet. I want to get it from her because I don’t like hearsay. And frankly I have been realizing that I don’t care if it completely changes how I think of her. I hope this made sense. This was written rather quick as I wanted to get it down.

Thank you for your time.

When it hits

I am currently in an odd period that has more recently started to crop up. I want to write right now but I am finding it very hard to find a topic that doesn’t sound like shit in my head. I’ve been sitting here for the last hour (before starting this) trying to write a couple of posts but as soon as I started them I lost the concept of what I was trying to write. I am not happy and I want to write about that but I really don’t know how at the moment. I like intellectual discussions and I want to be able to at least look at my own issues intellectually. The problem is that again I keep getting to a point where it sounds incredibly stupid and that it doesn’t sound like I described how I feel very well. It seems to be worse when I am depressed but I really need to figure a way around that issue.

I find it hard to make this next statement because of a fear that the people who read this don’t want to read more blogs about this topic. In someways I do get some enjoyment and it is freeing to write about Amy Lee. The very first post I made about her (Just get it over with) was freeing. It felt good to be able to make a post admitting things that I had kept bottled up. The problem is I still think I am crazy for feeling the way I feel. I think that the fact that I want to have any contact with her is crazy and that it is not something that is helpful. I need to cover more and I need to just get on with it and write about it. I am not really sure why I am so worried about how the people who read this blog think that it is causing me not to be able to write. I think that this wouldn’t be any different if I was sitting in front of a professional or not. I don’t really think that it would be different if I was sitting in front of a complete stranger and there are times where I feel that talking to a complete stranger may be the easiest thing to do. In a way I am doing that with this blog. So I think that I need to just make a post talking about one of the topics that I have wanted to write about and just write it no matter how it sounds. I think this will be one of the most difficult things I am going to have to do but I hope that it makes a change. If I am crazy I may just need to admit it. All this is strange coming from a guy who doesn’t really like people.

Thank you for your time.

Time is a factor

I have come to the same realization I’ve had before. I really cannot plan these posts. I have to make a post and get to a certain point before I feel I have to finish the post. If I just start planning a post I will never finish it because I will not think that it is any good. I keep running into that filter that we all have that tells us whether we are making something that is good or not. That really didn’t come out very good but I’m not sure how to say it. The only other way that I know how to call it is the “Shut Up” filter. You could also call it the “nobody cares” filter. When I start to think about what I want to write I end up thinking it is bad and that nobody cares. The problem is, is that I am doing this for me. What I need to be able to do is bypass my shut up filter and just be able to post on anything. One thing that trips the “nobody cares” filter is that I seem to cover the same subject a lot and cover the same people a lot. What I need to remember is that if it is bothering me, it is something that I am thinking about or it is something that I need to talk about then it should be covered. I like the fact that there are people who read and comment as it means that people feel the same or at least don’t find it to be a bad thing. Its just making that continually work in my head. What’s in my head seems to be a lot of the problem.

Thank you for your time

Oh, that’s irrational

There was a line from a movie that  matched how I’ve felt before and still fits now.

Rob: We were frightened of being left alone for the rest of our lives. Only people of a certain disposition are frightened of being alone for the rest of their lives at the age of 26, and we were of that disposition.

The movie is High Fidelity. I saw that movie when it came out with my cousin and I loved it but it wasn’t for a couple of years before I started to feel like I would be alone for the rest of my life. In someways I still fear this. I have a wife and I love her very much but I fear the idea that one day she will not love me anymore. I worry that one day she will not love me and that I will then be alone again. Again I really have no reason to think that she will ever not love me. I also understand that people grow and people change but I just don’t want to loose her. I have worried before that all the issues I have with Amy Lee will effect how my wife feels but she knows that I love her. My wife is the best thing in my life. She has asked me at times some good questions to answer. She is trying to help em figure out what’s going on. She was around me when I started to have an “attraction” to Amy Lee so she has some memory of what was going on. I think it is the fact that she has been around so long and knows most of the screwed up things in my head. Again this is an irrational fear since after all that has gone on with me she agreed to marry me.

This fear of being alone when I die isn’t just about being romantically alone. I have really one friend. I consider him my best friend. There are others that I am friendly with but they don’t really match what I’ve understood the definition of what a friend is. I must say that I don’t  want many friends. I don’t mind having only the one friend but again I don’t want to loose that which I have. I like the idea of having a couple of like minded friends and nothing really more. I think that’s one reasons why I have wanted to have any contact with Amy Lee. I mean I have no idea how to make friends. I don’t know what you say. I don’t really know how to talk about myself in a good light. I fear that people grow apart and I don’t want to loose my friend either.

I call back to the last post on fear (Fear Can Be Powerful) to say this quickly. I still very much fear that something I say here will drive my family away. I love my family and don’t want to loose them (except where we will all loose those that we love). It is hard to think about these and it is even harder to figure how to change these things. I want to say something about finding these answers and I am going to say something about how these kind of things can be a very connective power. I still have a lot going on in my head.

Thank you for your time.

Anger issues till I’m red in the face

As I look for things that may not be the way I want them in myself, I keep coming back to something I have been dealing with since high school. My anger is not a prominent thing but when it does come up it is a problem. I have never really known why it gets so bad. I get annoyed at things that others do but they seem to effect me long after I should have moved on. I’ve blown up at my family at times. I am never really sure why I react like that since most of the discussions should never really end like that. The only thing I can really figure is that its a defense mechanism. I show anger when I am feeling vulnerable so that I might be able to get myself out of that kind of situation. Of course it never really worked but I kept doing it.

But of course the vulnerability idea doesn’t really explain the times I can get severe road rage (the best example I have). Those times where something simple just really pisses me off. I realize that it is a common occurrence in today’s time but I do think that (in me at least) it is not a good thing to get that pissed. There have been times where I have gotten that angry with my wife in the car but thankfully she tries to calm me down so I can concentrate on the other people driving. There is more to this and I want to get to the bottom of this. I think finding the cause is a good thing. I don’t need to find a way to deal with my anger. I just need to not let it affect me. I have read studies that I seem to hold up that trying to release your anger only amplifies the amount of anger that you feel (I think I really explained that wrong). They say that just trying to relax and let anger go is better than trying to find a healthy way to express it. In a way turning the healthy expression into something unhealthy. And as I sit here listening to George Carlin’s album Occupation Foole on vinyl that just relaxing really is a good idea. Though finding the source of the short fuse is also a good idea. I shall update you on the search when I have something.

Thank you for your time.