A Step Back to an Odd Dichotomy

I am going to go a little more personal on this one. I’ve been noticing a funny difference in the way my work affects me vs. the way I would think that it would. First a little history that sets the idea. I am a person who truly enjoys things that force me to slow down. What I mean is that I like things that take time. Not all the time but it can very relaxing and can help quite, what I consider to be, my very active mind.

One example of this is something I bought for myself a number of years ago. It is an old style pen set. The kind of pen set that requires you to have a bottle of ink that you have to occasionally dip the pen into. Other than what you have to do while writing, the set up is very helpful since there is so much I have to do to get ready to write. I have an older style leather bound journal and I have recently thought about writing a couple of letters with it so I can get to my “happy place”. I love the idea of slowing down time. The idea of having to take time to do multiple steps. I hope that paints the picture that I want.

So now to work. At my job I put things on shelves. I actually put things on shelves that you might buy. It has more of a process than you might think. Or at least I see more of a process. The idea of finding what you have to put up. The opening of the box. The placing of the items on the shelf. In my mind there is a wonderful process to it.

With that then you would think that I would love my job but I don’t. There are many reasons why I don’t and you would think that many of them would be placated by the idea of a very process heavy job. It isn’t. I think because I am not really able to enjoy the process. The job I have is very time sensitive. I am not able to take the time to revel in the process. I am not one that minds being in a rush. I have had to be many times. I have even been able to revel in a process while being rushed while doing sound. I think the difference here is that I still have many questions to be answered. I have been at this job for 4 months and I still don’t know everything I need to do the job well. And I think that is where it truly lies. If I knew more I might even be able to revel in the process of my job.

I mean I have enough knowledge of sound that the differences and changes in my process are only because each situation is different. I feel good about those times because I know enough to change what I’m doing. Why I can’t stand the changes to my process at my work putting up stock is that they are controlled by the fact that I still don’t know enough. It is more controlled from outside than inside my head. It is controlled from people walking up to me and saying, “You shouldn’t do that like that. Here’s how you should do that.” I am thankful for the help but it does screw up my process. It is also a little annoying especially when someone tells you that you have to come up with your own process. But that is what we sometimes have to put up with isn’t it. And I thank you for staying with me this far. I fear I got a bit rambly and a bit non-cohesive but that seems to be part of my style on these personal things. Thanks for reading.

What’s driving you?

After last week I’ve been thinking a little bit more about what drives me. It started because I was thinking about a kind of morbid idea. I was thinking about would I be happy with the life I left behind. I mean that am I anywhere near where I want to be in my life. If it were to end tomorrow would people say that he did a lot with his life. To be honest, no. I am partially where I wanted to be. I have a wife and we are still very much in love. Hell that is a lot further than I thought I would be at this point.

I was one of those guys that thought I would be alone for my life. An odd thing to think of while you are dating someone. But that is another story. Back to my original point there are a lot of things that I want to try and do with my life. I know that’s the rote idea and that there are so many people like that out there. But I am very restless. I am not mentally stimulated by my current job and that kills me. Actually, worded better what it does is severely depresses me. I want to be mentally stimulated by any work I do. But it is at war with what we all want to be able to do.

My want for mental stimulation with work is very much at war with the need to take care of my family. At the moment I am just taking care of my wife but eventually we want to have children so the idea of having to get a job that pays enough to be able to take care of my family is a high priority. But I made it more difficult for myself to do that because I didn’t finish college. I had many issues with the school I was going to so I decided to leave. Again I won’t go into that now but suffice it to say that I have made it a hundred times harder on myself. So now I am driven by the want to satisfy both requirements for me.

Sadly at the moment I am unable to do either. I have a job but it is does not go far enough so I am trying to make my own work. On the mental stimulation idea I compensate for that by listening to podcasts. But these things are not enough and I am wanting so much more out of life. I will create my own work and my own way of things. I am not sure this actually answered my original question for myself but I am really enjoying the direct from my head way of writing these personal things. I am still looking for topics to talk about. Thank you again for reading.

Its been a while

It has been a bit of time since I have posted any new content on this “blog” (I still want to come up with a new term for what this is). I have my own reasons for not having made a post in a while. There is no major change going in my existence that is preventing me from posting other than writing has become a bit of an ebb. I will hopefully be able to continue from where I left off. I am surprised by the number of people who visited here while I have been away. I again apologize for the lack of substance on here. New post coming shortly.

Thank you for your time.

On Work

This is kind of a addition to that last post (Hate to Admit). I realize that menial are not really jobs that anybody enjoys having but I would be willing to work my ass off if I had one. Jobs now a days seem to be more about survival more than about enjoyment. I think everyone has there dream job. I actually have a couple of dream jobs. I’ve really been considering the things I want to do for a career especially since I am not getting work currently more than the occasional odd job. I have been working as a sound engineer for the last 4 years but I haven’t been able to get enough work to pay the bills. I love being a sound engineer and I wish I could get on as a front of house sound engineer for a band but I am noticing I am going to have to move from my current location to make that easier.

I’ve even thought about trying to become a writer. I am not sure what I would write about. I mean I’ve been able to make some decent posts about music before and I do ok at writing these posts but I am not sure I could be a journalist. I have started to work on a Sci-fi book. I find it easier to write because I am not as worried about someone reading it so quickly. I have the ability to edit it more before someone sees it. I am actually excited about writing my book. I am still doing a bit of research and organizing of thoughts. I am not really sure how it will turn out but I hope its good. I’m not sure if either of these jobs will actually comes to pass but it is good to dream at times. I am in a little bit of a better place right now even though I’ve had an issue recently so I was just thinking about where I would like to go.

Thank you for your time.

Restate for me

I am breaking away from the topics from the last couple of posts (Music Soothes & A Representation) to kind of restate my intent. This is for me at the moment because I catch myself trying to do things in this blog that doesn’t have anything to do with my intent. I have a couple of times wanted to post a couple of pictures of Amy Lee. Why I am not really sure and the photos would have no purpose in what I am trying to do. Talking about Ms. Lee is fine considering she is a subject that gives me pause especially when it comes to how I feel about her. I am someone who is searching for answers and I am very much going to ask any question that I feel needs to be answered or any question that feels relevant. I am not above getting questions from the people who are reading this blog as someone from the outside may be able to see a question that I have not answered. Or they may be able to see something that I may want to take a deeper look at. So right now since I am looking for what she represents. Though (joking) if someone can help me start an e-mail friendship with her then I would be eternally grateful. Obviously show her this blog first but I would love that person forever.

Back to serious. I also feel in this section I should say that this blog is meant to be a stream of consciousness written blog. I am doing it that way so that I don’t have time to really worry about what I am saying. So at times it might be a bit hard to understand. The only time I go back and change anything is either if I have something to add or if I just go back and start all over again. With the fears that I have about being considered crazy I feel it is better to just put it down and let it be. So the way it reads is mostly the way it came out of my head.

I have recently used a couple of curse words and if they offend you I apologize but I will not change those words. As I said above I am letting this be written as it comes out of my head and at that moment those words were what I was thinking. Though you might be able to tell that I try not to be limited in the words I use but I will admit that I may look up a word to make sure I can spell it right. I would like participation even though this is meant to help myself. I at some point may get away for a post or two to make a comment on something else but I hope that it still has some relevance to what I am trying to do. I appreciate everyone who is reading this blog. You are helping in an odd round about way. Please feel free to comment.

Thank you for your time.

A Representation of Something

This is a continuation of ideas that I covered in another post (for those who want to read it first “Music Soothes this Savage Mind“). As I keep going over the feelings I have for Amy Lee I keep coming back to the idea that she is just a human representation of something. A representation of what I have no idea. It does explain how there is a separation from her music and her. I mean I can still be very honest about the music from Evanescence. I really didn’t like the most recent album but that has no effect on how I think of her. I know that is an odd statement. Its odd because that should always be the way we think of art. The artist’s personality should have little connection to a person’s perception of the quality of the art created. In my search for answers I have found that not to be. I have also seen that idea being taken to the opposite extreme. But this isn’t the point of this post (maybe I’ll cover it later).

I think that most of my longing for a relationship of any kind with Ms. Lee (I’ll use the more respectful use of her name since I have never been given permission to call her anything else) is me longing for that which she represents in my head. I think on of the things that is obvious for me that she represents is the ability to have a job that I love and that I can make enough money so that I don’t have to worry about money. That really isn’t anything profound and is simple but for me it is a step forward. My steps have taken years partially because for a while I wasn’t questioning why I had an attraction to Amy Lee. I just want to say that my next few statements are not meant to change anyone’s minds. They are my own interactions and understanding and my own feelings. Take them for what you will. These are my personal feelings.

One of the major reasons why I hadn’t questioned things until now was religion (again I state that this is my personal feelings and not meant to change a mind. It is my understanding of things). I first had seen Ms. Lee like most when the music video for Bring Me to Life Came out. At first I was only drawn to the music. At some point a friend of mine reminded me of a Wiccan ideal (I was a follower of the Wiccan Religion at the time). Again at first Ms. Lee was not in my thoughts at this time. We were just taking time and meditating on the spiritual human connections. What we were trying to do was trace spiritual connections to the major people in our lives or the people that will be in our lives. It was one meditation period that I started to feel that greater connection with Ms. Lee. To my recollection I had not heard any of her music and as far as I can remember I had not seen anything on her in a while. Then that I day I started to feel that greater connection with her.

At the time this started I was not having a very good time. I had done some things that got me thrown out of my Father’s girlfriends house. I was living in a cockroach infested apartment with my wife (girlfriend at the time). I was happy to see something that would be coming later in life. How exactly it was supposed to happen was not something that I was worrying about. I really didn’t even know why her. When I looked for answers for those two major ideas I kept running into the idea that sometimes answers don’t come easily and you must wait for them to be presented to you. Because I like the thought of having something as wonderful as an ordained relationship that will come in time was great. It was a way of seeing a light at the end of a very dark and lonely tunnel. In a way she was an Angel that was going to lead me to a better place.

What got me to question was eventually I was wanting the answers to how could I even be able to connect with her. At first I was finding answers that said if I deepened the spiritual connection I could contact her over that connection. Sadly for a while I felt I had connected with her (crazy I know). The issue became that if I am connected with her then I should be able to see some sign from her. So the question became why can’t I see the signs. And the more I wanted the answers the more I started to realize that the answers I was getting were bullshit. I think that was one of the things that made me angry. The idea that the answers were basically lies that were meant to either keep me ignorant or they were meant to keep me guessing. When I went searching for answers on my own I kept coming to the idea that it was something that I had created myself to get me through the tough times. I eventually felt that I could move past that so now I wonder why I still think of her that way. It is a question that I still work on especially since my life is very much improving and I have a wife I love very much.

I will say that I did learn somethings from my time in the Wiccan Religion. One major thing I learned is that there is greater things in people. We are deep creatures even though we like to boil someone down to their most basic nature. That is one of the reasons why I don’t like most interviews and why I prefer to talk to people myself. So I will say that I would love to be able to understand the deeper nature of Amy Lee. In some ways I think it may help me understand myself. It can do that by understanding the questions I would ask. By what I ask her it represents the kind of answers I want to know. Either from myself or anybody. Then of course I still want some reassurance that my ability to judge people is as good as I think it is. I hope that this little look into my history is as informative for you as it was for me and I thank you for reading it. Since it is so long I am going to cut it off here and continue some of these ideas in another post.

Thank you for your time