I Just Can’t Feel That

First let me apologize for missing last week. I really have no good reason and will not try to make up an excuse. I don’t plan on trying to make up for those times. It will just be a missed week. But of course that is not what I intend to talk about today. Last week while I was finding it hard to write something happened that is both upsetting and a relief at the same time. My uncle, who has been suffering from the affects of cancer, finally succumbed. From what I understand our family had expected a little more time to be able to say all that needed to be said before he finally passed.

What I am finding is that I am not sad about it. I don’t just mean that I am not sad because I feel that it is a better thing to happen. He was suffering greatly and that from the stories that I have been told he was in great pain. All his searching for help came up with just finding a way to prolong the search for a treatment. He was fighting hard and it sadly was a loosing battle in the end.

As said before I am not sad about this. I am truthful when I say that I am in many ways happy that it has happened. I am happy because to watch, in the few times that I have been able to observe, what his cancer has been doing to him and ask for more time to be with him seems the ultimate kind of arrogance to me. Asking him to continue to live in pain while I find comfort in the idea of his death is wrong to me. I am happy because he no longer suffers. I feel at this moment I should say that I have never felt that anyone in my family ever wanted him to suffer for their own emotional needs and none of their actions say that they have. This is just part of a larger conversation in my head. We all wished for him to be able find a way to end his pain.

But of course the truth is that the feelings I have felt about this have been fleeting. I have gotten over this very quickly. And for that I am just a little bit sad. I wish I could feel more emotions for this but I can’t. I don’t know why I can’t and I have been trying to figure out why since I realized that I didn’t have the A typical emotional response about death.¬† The only thing I feel is anger but this has nothing to do with that sad event. I have been trying to deal with a lot of anger recently and maybe when I figure out what is causing the anger I can understand the other things.

I would like to thank you for reading this. This one is definitely a more personal post and I hope to get onto other topics soon.



What’s driving you?

After last week I’ve been thinking a little bit more about what drives me. It started because I was thinking about a kind of morbid idea. I was thinking about would I be happy with the life I left behind. I mean that am I anywhere near where I want to be in my life. If it were to end tomorrow would people say that he did a lot with his life. To be honest, no. I am partially where I wanted to be. I have a wife and we are still very much in love. Hell that is a lot further than I thought I would be at this point.

I was one of those guys that thought I would be alone for my life. An odd thing to think of while you are dating someone. But that is another story. Back to my original point there are a lot of things that I want to try and do with my life. I know that’s the rote idea and that there are so many people like that out there. But I am very restless. I am not mentally stimulated by my current job and that kills me. Actually, worded better what it does is severely depresses me. I want to be mentally stimulated by any work I do. But it is at war with what we all want to be able to do.

My want for mental stimulation with work is very much at war with the need to take care of my family. At the moment I am just taking care of my wife but eventually we want to have children so the idea of having to get a job that pays enough to be able to take care of my family is a high priority. But I made it more difficult for myself to do that because I didn’t finish college. I had many issues with the school I was going to so I decided to leave. Again I won’t go into that now but suffice it to say that I have made it a hundred times harder on myself. So now I am driven by the want to satisfy both requirements for me.

Sadly at the moment I am unable to do either. I have a job but it is does not go far enough so I am trying to make my own work. On the mental stimulation idea I compensate for that by listening to podcasts. But these things are not enough and I am wanting so much more out of life. I will create my own work and my own way of things. I am not sure this actually answered my original question for myself but I am really enjoying the direct from my head way of writing these personal things. I am still looking for topics to talk about. Thank you again for reading.

The Mood For Writing

As I continue on this little endeavor, I keep running into something that still seems to occasionally give me problems. I am still having to fight my mind. I’ve been working on a couple of other posts but as I edit them they seem like filler posts. Posts that I am writing¬† just to fill space or meet a deadline. I do not want to ever allow myself to make posts that are just there to fulfill an obligation. I have been finding it harder this week to write because I have started to feel that same damned depression that I have posted about before.

I realize that I should talk to someone about it but while I want to I can’t afford a professional nor do I want to bother my family with my problems. In the grand scheme of things, what is going on with me is minimal to what they are having to deal with at this moment. As I love them I find it hard to expect them to listen to me while they are dealing with a much more devastating issue. I hope this will pass so I can get back to doing something I very much enjoy. It has never been that I don’t want to write. I still love writing and still wish it to be my career but I find it difficult to come up with topics. I thank you again for continuing to read this blog. I hope to have something great next week. I will just say the one cliche line to anyone else that may be feeling as I do at this moment:

It gets better.

Fear can be powerful

My last post (Just get it over with) was really difficult to write. You don’t realize how much fear can hinder you until you run into it. In that post there is a lot of fear represented. There is a lot of the obvious things in there. I mean of course I was afraid of how my family would feel when they read the post. My family reads this blog and I worry about what their going to think about the things I reveal here. Rationally I don’t think that they will still not love me or feel any different about me. But, the fear driven side (the side I can’t seem to control very well) worries that my family will think I’m crazy or the won’t want to talk to me again. At least I think that they may change the way they treat me and start to distance themselves from me. But I think in many ways this is normal if you have views that are outside of what your family think (of course I am not a sociologist or psychologist so I am guessing).

The more interesting fears to deal with are the ones that come when in a bout of depression especially when involving the fantasies. When I felt that “closer connection” to Amy Lee one of the fears was am I doing the things that will get me to her. If you look at that the biggest issue is that I am more worried about trying to get to a woman who I don’t know nor have I ever met rather than trying to make my life better. There is the issue that I am waiting for something else to come into my life to make it better. But of course you are not thinking of that when it gets bad because you are grasping any straw that you can to help pull you out of that pit. It didn’t matter that I didn’t know how I was going to get to her. It mattered that she was waiting at the edge of the pit. It was a fake light at the end of a long mental tunnel.

The realization of that should be comforting but it brings up a few strange fears that I still deal with. You would think that if I have realized all that I have that I wouldn’t care or worry about how anything my life has to do with hers but there is a fear that if she ever learns about this it will be something that adds to a worry she has (rationally I don’t think she has anymore than any other public figure) about crazy fans. There is no rational reason to worry about that or even think that I would have that kind of power. It is something that I am very willingly trying to change. I have been told on many occasions that it is as simple as just changing your thinking but I find that to be untrue for me.

Lastly there is one fear that I have that I think is more rational it is just at the moment applied to an irrational place. I am worried if I can truly judge people correctly. It is manifesting itself in a worry if whether Amy Lee is actually as sweet and wonderful as I have built her up to be in my head. Which I think it is not a bad thing to worry about but not necessarily something I run into much. Especially since I tend not to really deal with people enough to worry about who they really are. The other side of that could be something to worry about in the idea that I have labeled someone as a person I don’t like but that was a wrong connection to make given that my ability to judge someone is off or not working. So as I keep writing I definitely am continuing to find more questions which is good but I fear I still won’t have the answers.

I hope this made sense and thank you for your time.

A Direction I Didn’t See Tell Now

I realize this post is later than I had said in my last blog post but I have a reason. I have been trying to write something as engaging and thought provoking as I intended when I started this blog. I now realize that I need to go at this in a way that my sister had suggested to me. Because she knows that I have an issue with depression (undiagnosed) she has suggested that I use this place to write about my feelings on my emotions and what I am thinking. As I have kept trying to write other posts on here I keep running into myself and my own low self worth. I now realize that I can change this but I need to figure myself out. I am going to do this here. So I hope you enjoy my own personal mental revolution. It at times may prove to be more of what my wife has now nicknamed this, PlanetHendrix’s Personal Insane Asylum, but it will help.

Goodnight and Thank you for your time.