I Just Can’t Feel That

First let me apologize for missing last week. I really have no good reason and will not try to make up an excuse. I don’t plan on trying to make up for those times. It will just be a missed week. But of course that is not what I intend to talk about today. Last week while I was finding it hard to write something happened that is both upsetting and a relief at the same time. My uncle, who has been suffering from the affects of cancer, finally succumbed. From what I understand our family had expected a little more time to be able to say all that needed to be said before he finally passed.

What I am finding is that I am not sad about it. I don’t just mean that I am not sad because I feel that it is a better thing to happen. He was suffering greatly and that from the stories that I have been told he was in great pain. All his searching for help came up with just finding a way to prolong the search for a treatment. He was fighting hard and it sadly was a loosing battle in the end.

As said before I am not sad about this. I am truthful when I say that I am in many ways happy that it has happened. I am happy because to watch, in the few times that I have been able to observe, what his cancer has been doing to him and ask for more time to be with him seems the ultimate kind of arrogance to me. Asking him to continue to live in pain while I find comfort in the idea of his death is wrong to me. I am happy because he no longer suffers. I feel at this moment I should say that I have never felt that anyone in my family ever wanted him to suffer for their own emotional needs and none of their actions say that they have. This is just part of a larger conversation in my head. We all wished for him to be able find a way to end his pain.

But of course the truth is that the feelings I have felt about this have been fleeting. I have gotten over this very quickly. And for that I am just a little bit sad. I wish I could feel more emotions for this but I can’t. I don’t know why I can’t and I have been trying to figure out why since I realized that I didn’t have the A typical emotional response about death.  The only thing I feel is anger but this has nothing to do with that sad event. I have been trying to deal with a lot of anger recently and maybe when I figure out what is causing the anger I can understand the other things.

I would like to thank you for reading this. This one is definitely a more personal post and I hope to get onto other topics soon.

 

Giving Answers Without Questions

This recommendation is going to be a little interesting since what I would like to share maybe a little hard to find. It’s a documentary made by Stephen Fry and Ross Wilson. Its called “Stephen Fry: The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive“. It was originally shown on British television and, as you can see by the link, has been released on DVD. The problem is that the DVD is Region 2 and will not play in your average American DVD player. I am sure there are other ways you can see this documentary and I will let all who are interested find it on their own.

But of course now the question arises why should someone take the time to find this documentary or even purchase it. Well for starters I wanted to watch it just to placate my need to garner more knowledge. There is a great amount of information on Bi-polar disorder and key signs of the disease. There are discussions about what age you can diagnose and the different ways it can be diagnosed. There is also a discussion on how the diagnosis has changed over the years. The last given through the first person experience of Stephen Fry who is going back and asking new questions that he has.

Having his personal story being the driving force behind this documentary I think adds something that is usually lost when done other times. When I have seen other programs that try and have a personal feel to them the focus tends to be more emotionally driven and less about the actual facts about the subject matter. I am not saying that taking things from an emotional perspective is bad but I do think that their are subjects where facts need to be considered on the same plain. Where this documentary gets its drive from is hard to say. I think it comes from a combination of the inquisitive nature of Stephen Fry and the depth of the subject matter.

The fact that there are so many different ways that Bi-polar disorder can manifest itself gives a number of questions to the larger list. We learn how it showed itself in Stephen Fry and he spends the two hours (broken into two episodes for television) talking to others about the time when they first noticed symptoms and signs. In the second half he also discussed the idea of treatment. I found this part particularly interesting because he looks at this from the side of a man who has never taken medication but who may need it. This opens up to a lot of information not just on medication but there is even discussions of more alternative ways of controlling the ups and downs of the disease.

There is so much more that I could say but I do not want to give away to much. I will say though that if you, or someone you know, suffers from or may suffer from that this is an excellent beginning point for research. I know it has given me a few answers about myself and obviously it has raised a few as well. I hope those who watch it find it informative. But also don’t feel that you have to have a tie to Bi-polar Disorder before viewing this. It is always great to expand our own knowledge base. And as always thank you for reading this.

What’s driving you?

After last week I’ve been thinking a little bit more about what drives me. It started because I was thinking about a kind of morbid idea. I was thinking about would I be happy with the life I left behind. I mean that am I anywhere near where I want to be in my life. If it were to end tomorrow would people say that he did a lot with his life. To be honest, no. I am partially where I wanted to be. I have a wife and we are still very much in love. Hell that is a lot further than I thought I would be at this point.

I was one of those guys that thought I would be alone for my life. An odd thing to think of while you are dating someone. But that is another story. Back to my original point there are a lot of things that I want to try and do with my life. I know that’s the rote idea and that there are so many people like that out there. But I am very restless. I am not mentally stimulated by my current job and that kills me. Actually, worded better what it does is severely depresses me. I want to be mentally stimulated by any work I do. But it is at war with what we all want to be able to do.

My want for mental stimulation with work is very much at war with the need to take care of my family. At the moment I am just taking care of my wife but eventually we want to have children so the idea of having to get a job that pays enough to be able to take care of my family is a high priority. But I made it more difficult for myself to do that because I didn’t finish college. I had many issues with the school I was going to so I decided to leave. Again I won’t go into that now but suffice it to say that I have made it a hundred times harder on myself. So now I am driven by the want to satisfy both requirements for me.

Sadly at the moment I am unable to do either. I have a job but it is does not go far enough so I am trying to make my own work. On the mental stimulation idea I compensate for that by listening to podcasts. But these things are not enough and I am wanting so much more out of life. I will create my own work and my own way of things. I am not sure this actually answered my original question for myself but I am really enjoying the direct from my head way of writing these personal things. I am still looking for topics to talk about. Thank you again for reading.

The Mood For Writing

As I continue on this little endeavor, I keep running into something that still seems to occasionally give me problems. I am still having to fight my mind. I’ve been working on a couple of other posts but as I edit them they seem like filler posts. Posts that I am writing  just to fill space or meet a deadline. I do not want to ever allow myself to make posts that are just there to fulfill an obligation. I have been finding it harder this week to write because I have started to feel that same damned depression that I have posted about before.

I realize that I should talk to someone about it but while I want to I can’t afford a professional nor do I want to bother my family with my problems. In the grand scheme of things, what is going on with me is minimal to what they are having to deal with at this moment. As I love them I find it hard to expect them to listen to me while they are dealing with a much more devastating issue. I hope this will pass so I can get back to doing something I very much enjoy. It has never been that I don’t want to write. I still love writing and still wish it to be my career but I find it difficult to come up with topics. I thank you again for continuing to read this blog. I hope to have something great next week. I will just say the one cliche line to anyone else that may be feeling as I do at this moment:

It gets better.

An obligation

I feel I want to write something and I feel I need to write something but I don’t know what to write. I am starting to feel I am in another emotional spin downwards. I was happy that I had such a longer time between depressed states but it is happening again. This one seems a little worse. This is going to probably be incredibly short as I really don’t know what to write about.

Thank you for your time.

My Priorities

I think I’ve got my priorities wrong. I’ve been trying to figure out the wrong things. I have been trying to figure out stuff that really has little to no impact on my life at the moment. I have been spending too much of my time a trying to figure out things that really the only reason I have been stuck on them because I could not for the life of me figure out why I wanted the idea in the first place. I have also been looking at these things as if they did matter only because it makes me look at things from different angles. I am realizing that I have been spending way to much time trying to answer questions that don’t matter. I am letting go of somethings and I am going to try and really change how things are going in my life. How I’ve done things tell now are not working. I am going to change that and I am going to be reworking my priorities soon. I need to work on questions that can be answered and not questions that really don’t have an answer. I need to work on the answers that matter. I need to rethink everything. This was probably a bit confusing and I’m sorry.

Thank you for your time.

In a dream

I haven’t been sleeping very well recently. My dreams have been knocking me out of sleep recently. I’ve been having more disturbing dreams recently. They have been more with death in them this week then I can remember in a long time. Death either caused by me or me being killed. They can be as absurd as the most gore filled horror movie (which I don’t watch) or just a hunt and kill kind of thing. The lightest one that I have had was one last night where I was kept from getting to my wife during a very unrealistic natural disaster that  was on its way to killing me (in my dream) before I woke up.

The dreams that I that disturb me the most are the ones where I am the one walking around killing people. I really don’t think that it is supposed to be me but I am seeing everything from that persons eyes. These are the dreams that I remember most after I wake up and they can occasionally effect me for the rest of the day. Not to mention that I don’t seem to have gotten restful sleep when I have them. On occasion things start before I go to sleep. As I close my eyes at the end of the night I start seeing gore and death. I don’t know why I see these things and I don’t know why its gotten worse.

Normally I don’t really dream at all. Or at least I don’t remember them when I wake in the morning. But the few I have normally are the kind that I like more. They are more comforting. I have the general kind that are my wife and me being able to survive. Actually more that survive thrive. Us having a nice house and a small family. The interesting ones I have are when my real life wants enter my dreams. I am referring to the dreams that I have where I am friends with Amy Lee. I get to talk to her face to face. Or I get to work with her. I wish I could have these again. Something seems to be going wrong.

Thank you for your time.