I Just Can’t Feel That

First let me apologize for missing last week. I really have no good reason and will not try to make up an excuse. I don’t plan on trying to make up for those times. It will just be a missed week. But of course that is not what I intend to talk about today. Last week while I was finding it hard to write something happened that is both upsetting and a relief at the same time. My uncle, who has been suffering from the affects of cancer, finally succumbed. From what I understand our family had expected a little more time to be able to say all that needed to be said before he finally passed.

What I am finding is that I am not sad about it. I don’t just mean that I am not sad because I feel that it is a better thing to happen. He was suffering greatly and that from the stories that I have been told he was in great pain. All his searching for help came up with just finding a way to prolong the search for a treatment. He was fighting hard and it sadly was a loosing battle in the end.

As said before I am not sad about this. I am truthful when I say that I am in many ways happy that it has happened. I am happy because to watch, in the few times that I have been able to observe, what his cancer has been doing to him and ask for more time to be with him seems the ultimate kind of arrogance to me. Asking him to continue to live in pain while I find comfort in the idea of his death is wrong to me. I am happy because he no longer suffers. I feel at this moment I should say that I have never felt that anyone in my family ever wanted him to suffer for their own emotional needs and none of their actions say that they have. This is just part of a larger conversation in my head. We all wished for him to be able find a way to end his pain.

But of course the truth is that the feelings I have felt about this have been fleeting. I have gotten over this very quickly. And for that I am just a little bit sad. I wish I could feel more emotions for this but I can’t. I don’t know why I can’t and I have been trying to figure out why since I realized that I didn’t have the A typical emotional response about death.  The only thing I feel is anger but this has nothing to do with that sad event. I have been trying to deal with a lot of anger recently and maybe when I figure out what is causing the anger I can understand the other things.

I would like to thank you for reading this. This one is definitely a more personal post and I hope to get onto other topics soon.

 

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2 Comments

  1. I’ve been trawling here for a good month however wanted to comment. This is really fascinating, keep going!

  2. This is outstanding. I’ve checked out this kind of thing prior to this but this is a lot more in-depth. Kudos


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