An obligation

I feel I want to write something and I feel I need to write something but I don’t know what to write. I am starting to feel I am in another emotional spin downwards. I was happy that I had such a longer time between depressed states but it is happening again. This one seems a little worse. This is going to probably be incredibly short as I really don’t know what to write about.

Thank you for your time.

Gonna be a bit long

I am going to have to do something soon that I don’t want to do. I am going to have to get rid of my Internet connection. I would like to keep it but I have come to realize that it is a hindrance to trying to get my life on a better track. It is a bill that is more expensive than I can really afford to have right now. I am going to have to knock it back to just a telephone. I won’t completely stop writing but it will be even more time between. This will not happen in the next couple of weeks but it will happen soon. I wanted to get this out there. I enjoy writing like this so I will work to try and get this back up and running. I thank everyone who has been reading and commenting. I will hopefully have more soon.

Thank you for your time.

My Priorities

I think I’ve got my priorities wrong. I’ve been trying to figure out the wrong things. I have been trying to figure out stuff that really has little to no impact on my life at the moment. I have been spending too much of my time a trying to figure out things that really the only reason I have been stuck on them because I could not for the life of me figure out why I wanted the idea in the first place. I have also been looking at these things as if they did matter only because it makes me look at things from different angles. I am realizing that I have been spending way to much time trying to answer questions that don’t matter. I am letting go of somethings and I am going to try and really change how things are going in my life. How I’ve done things tell now are not working. I am going to change that and I am going to be reworking my priorities soon. I need to work on questions that can be answered and not questions that really don’t have an answer. I need to work on the answers that matter. I need to rethink everything. This was probably a bit confusing and I’m sorry.

Thank you for your time.

Don’t know what

I am in a better place right now but I don’t know what to write. I am still running into the same issue I have when I’m feeling depressed. I have tried to write a couple of things recently but they don’t seem to be coming out how I envision them. What I mean is they don’t sound very good. I am really wanting to write as I am in a much better mood than I have been for a while. I’ve been trying to work on getting my dreams to come true since I can see a few ways of gaining them. With writing I am actually getting more ideas for my book and I am finding that I have more energy to write. I will say though that I have done somethings recently to try and pull my dreams closer and I am feeling foolish for something I’ve done. I don’t want to go into detail but I do feel like it was a stupid move and I am sure that it won’t work. I regret what I have done. That was good for me to say even if I am the only one that understands it so I apologize for that little bit.

On other parts I am continuing to work in my field but it is being continually shown to me that I really do need to go back to school and get my associates at least. It should help make many issues in my life much easier. I am happy that I am able to have a bit of a respite from my depression and I plan on trying to do something while I am not effected by it. I have been wanting to write longer posts. I don’t like that I have been having to make such short posts so that I can get them out. It is not that I make them short so they can be put out. I just feel that I have to write until either it sounds bad or until I feel I have said something. If I can feel like I have said something I try and post quickly enough so that it is out there in the world so I can’t change it. This is just another question to add to my list of things to figure out. A bit scatter shot but that seems to be the way my brain has been working recently. I thank you for making it this far. And as always:

Thank you for your time.

On Work

This is kind of a addition to that last post (Hate to Admit). I realize that menial are not really jobs that anybody enjoys having but I would be willing to work my ass off if I had one. Jobs now a days seem to be more about survival more than about enjoyment. I think everyone has there dream job. I actually have a couple of dream jobs. I’ve really been considering the things I want to do for a career especially since I am not getting work currently more than the occasional odd job. I have been working as a sound engineer for the last 4 years but I haven’t been able to get enough work to pay the bills. I love being a sound engineer and I wish I could get on as a front of house sound engineer for a band but I am noticing I am going to have to move from my current location to make that easier.

I’ve even thought about trying to become a writer. I am not sure what I would write about. I mean I’ve been able to make some decent posts about music before and I do ok at writing these posts but I am not sure I could be a journalist. I have started to work on a Sci-fi book. I find it easier to write because I am not as worried about someone reading it so quickly. I have the ability to edit it more before someone sees it. I am actually excited about writing my book. I am still doing a bit of research and organizing of thoughts. I am not really sure how it will turn out but I hope its good. I’m not sure if either of these jobs will actually comes to pass but it is good to dream at times. I am in a little bit of a better place right now even though I’ve had an issue recently so I was just thinking about where I would like to go.

Thank you for your time.

Hate to admit

This ones gonna be a bit more of a rant. I’ve been dealing with something for a while and I finally think I want to put it down on paper. How this starts is by a question.

How the hell don’t I have a job?

I don’t like making it seem that I have a huge ego or that I think I am better than people but there are times I have to question that. I am getting very tired of seeing people who don’t want to do the work having the job. They do not want to do the things that are required by the job. The things that they are being paid to do. In example: Someone who is supposed to clean a building that tries to do anything he can to keep from doing it. I am tired of being out of work and seeing other people getting paid to do as little work as they can. I am willing to work my ass off for who ever wants me to. I am willing to do the best job I can but I can’t seem to get even an interview. I am tired of not being able to pay my bills because I can’t find work and I am tired of watching people who won’t work as hard as I will having jobs. Rant over.

Thank you for your time.

What I want

I have decided recently that I really do want a pen pal. I want it to be who I want. I want it to be Amy Lee. The why is still a mystery to me and I am not even sure on the how. I get comfort from the idea that I could come home and get a nice e-mail from her and then be able to write something back. I like the idea of having something more to look forward to more than what I already have. It is a fantasy and dream. It is a fantasy cause it is something that is so incredibly unlikely but it is a dream because of that even .000000001 percent chance of happening (that’s using my personal definitions). I have recently got a kick in the ass to start to think about those things I want out of life and in life.

I still realize that the likelihood that she would even feel comfortable enough to write me. But lets just say she would for a moment (crazy I know). How would I even contact her in the first place that she would take as a serious request for friendship. I’ve been a couple of recommendations that I felt would be going way to far and very unhelpful. Of course though those recommendations were not meant to be taken seriously. And really I think that I just want to get to know who she is above and beyond what someone can get from a general search on the internet. I want to get it from her because I don’t like hearsay. And frankly I have been realizing that I don’t care if it completely changes how I think of her. I hope this made sense. This was written rather quick as I wanted to get it down.

Thank you for your time.