Oh, that’s irrational

There was a line from a movie that  matched how I’ve felt before and still fits now.

Rob: We were frightened of being left alone for the rest of our lives. Only people of a certain disposition are frightened of being alone for the rest of their lives at the age of 26, and we were of that disposition.

The movie is High Fidelity. I saw that movie when it came out with my cousin and I loved it but it wasn’t for a couple of years before I started to feel like I would be alone for the rest of my life. In someways I still fear this. I have a wife and I love her very much but I fear the idea that one day she will not love me anymore. I worry that one day she will not love me and that I will then be alone again. Again I really have no reason to think that she will ever not love me. I also understand that people grow and people change but I just don’t want to loose her. I have worried before that all the issues I have with Amy Lee will effect how my wife feels but she knows that I love her. My wife is the best thing in my life. She has asked me at times some good questions to answer. She is trying to help em figure out what’s going on. She was around me when I started to have an “attraction” to Amy Lee so she has some memory of what was going on. I think it is the fact that she has been around so long and knows most of the screwed up things in my head. Again this is an irrational fear since after all that has gone on with me she agreed to marry me.

This fear of being alone when I die isn’t just about being romantically alone. I have really one friend. I consider him my best friend. There are others that I am friendly with but they don’t really match what I’ve understood the definition of what a friend is. I must say that I don’t  want many friends. I don’t mind having only the one friend but again I don’t want to loose that which I have. I like the idea of having a couple of like minded friends and nothing really more. I think that’s one reasons why I have wanted to have any contact with Amy Lee. I mean I have no idea how to make friends. I don’t know what you say. I don’t really know how to talk about myself in a good light. I fear that people grow apart and I don’t want to loose my friend either.

I call back to the last post on fear (Fear Can Be Powerful) to say this quickly. I still very much fear that something I say here will drive my family away. I love my family and don’t want to loose them (except where we will all loose those that we love). It is hard to think about these and it is even harder to figure how to change these things. I want to say something about finding these answers and I am going to say something about how these kind of things can be a very connective power. I still have a lot going on in my head.

Thank you for your time.

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