Fear can be powerful

My last post (Just get it over with) was really difficult to write. You don’t realize how much fear can hinder you until you run into it. In that post there is a lot of fear represented. There is a lot of the obvious things in there. I mean of course I was afraid of how my family would feel when they read the post. My family reads this blog and I worry about what their going to think about the things I reveal here. Rationally I don’t think that they will still not love me or feel any different about me. But, the fear driven side (the side I can’t seem to control very well) worries that my family will think I’m crazy or the won’t want to talk to me again. At least I think that they may change the way they treat me and start to distance themselves from me. But I think in many ways this is normal if you have views that are outside of what your family think (of course I am not a sociologist or psychologist so I am guessing).

The more interesting fears to deal with are the ones that come when in a bout of depression especially when involving the fantasies. When I felt that “closer connection” to Amy Lee one of the fears was am I doing the things that will get me to her. If you look at that the biggest issue is that I am more worried about trying to get to a woman who I don’t know nor have I ever met rather than trying to make my life better. There is the issue that I am waiting for something else to come into my life to make it better. But of course you are not thinking of that when it gets bad because you are grasping any straw that you can to help pull you out of that pit. It didn’t matter that I didn’t know how I was going to get to her. It mattered that she was waiting at the edge of the pit. It was a fake light at the end of a long mental tunnel.

The realization of that should be comforting but it brings up a few strange fears that I still deal with. You would think that if I have realized all that I have that I wouldn’t care or worry about how anything my life has to do with hers but there is a fear that if she ever learns about this it will be something that adds to a worry she has (rationally I don’t think she has anymore than any other public figure) about crazy fans. There is no rational reason to worry about that or even think that I would have that kind of power. It is something that I am very willingly trying to change. I have been told on many occasions that it is as simple as just changing your thinking but I find that to be untrue for me.

Lastly there is one fear that I have that I think is more rational it is just at the moment applied to an irrational place. I am worried if I can truly judge people correctly. It is manifesting itself in a worry if whether Amy Lee is actually as sweet and wonderful as I have built her up to be in my head. Which I think it is not a bad thing to worry about but not necessarily something I run into much. Especially since I tend not to really deal with people enough to worry about who they really are. The other side of that could be something to worry about in the idea that I have labeled someone as a person I don’t like but that was a wrong connection to make given that my ability to judge someone is off or not working. So as I keep writing I definitely am continuing to find more questions which is good but I fear I still won’t have the answers.

I hope this made sense and thank you for your time.

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