Is it wrong

Is it wrong that I still want to have a friendship with Amy Lee? I am feeling down right now and that question is popping into my head. I am fascinated by her and I want to know her. I don’t give a shit about the music or why she wrote certain songs. I care about what is in her mind. I want to get to know the whole person not just the musician. I never really know how to explain myself especially at these times. I don’t really think that being able to have any contact with her will change the frequency and longevity of my depressive states so I am not even sure what it is that I really what I expect having a friend like her to do. She seems intelligent and I think there is a hell of a lot more than we are allowed to see. It maybe that I just want to know that we as humans are deeper than the little things. I don’t really think I am of value and I have to be reminded that I am of value to my family and friend. She is a fixation, I think, because she is foreign to me but seems to be very similar in someways. I am never sure and I war with myself constantly over this idea but I do believe that you can tell what’s deeper in a person’s mind. When I look at photos of her I get the idea that she has a lot of mentalities like I do. Even as I write this, this just still seems like sentimental unavailable bullshit that I am using to get me through these tougher times. The way I see it has changed some but it is still there and it won’t go away. Sometimes I don’t want it to. These periods are getting more frequent and sometimes harder to deal with. I don’t know why but I find the idea something that will never happen comforting. If she ever were to read this blog she would never want to talk to me and frankly I can’t blame her. Could anyone? This was just a spur of the moment post so I thank you for reading it. I thank anyone who reads my ramblings. I hope in some small way it helps others to know that they are not alone though even I feel that way a lot.

Thank you for your time.

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Oh, that’s irrational

There was a line from a movie that  matched how I’ve felt before and still fits now.

Rob: We were frightened of being left alone for the rest of our lives. Only people of a certain disposition are frightened of being alone for the rest of their lives at the age of 26, and we were of that disposition.

The movie is High Fidelity. I saw that movie when it came out with my cousin and I loved it but it wasn’t for a couple of years before I started to feel like I would be alone for the rest of my life. In someways I still fear this. I have a wife and I love her very much but I fear the idea that one day she will not love me anymore. I worry that one day she will not love me and that I will then be alone again. Again I really have no reason to think that she will ever not love me. I also understand that people grow and people change but I just don’t want to loose her. I have worried before that all the issues I have with Amy Lee will effect how my wife feels but she knows that I love her. My wife is the best thing in my life. She has asked me at times some good questions to answer. She is trying to help em figure out what’s going on. She was around me when I started to have an “attraction” to Amy Lee so she has some memory of what was going on. I think it is the fact that she has been around so long and knows most of the screwed up things in my head. Again this is an irrational fear since after all that has gone on with me she agreed to marry me.

This fear of being alone when I die isn’t just about being romantically alone. I have really one friend. I consider him my best friend. There are others that I am friendly with but they don’t really match what I’ve understood the definition of what a friend is. I must say that I don’t  want many friends. I don’t mind having only the one friend but again I don’t want to loose that which I have. I like the idea of having a couple of like minded friends and nothing really more. I think that’s one reasons why I have wanted to have any contact with Amy Lee. I mean I have no idea how to make friends. I don’t know what you say. I don’t really know how to talk about myself in a good light. I fear that people grow apart and I don’t want to loose my friend either.

I call back to the last post on fear (Fear Can Be Powerful) to say this quickly. I still very much fear that something I say here will drive my family away. I love my family and don’t want to loose them (except where we will all loose those that we love). It is hard to think about these and it is even harder to figure how to change these things. I want to say something about finding these answers and I am going to say something about how these kind of things can be a very connective power. I still have a lot going on in my head.

Thank you for your time.

Restate for me

I am breaking away from the topics from the last couple of posts (Music Soothes & A Representation) to kind of restate my intent. This is for me at the moment because I catch myself trying to do things in this blog that doesn’t have anything to do with my intent. I have a couple of times wanted to post a couple of pictures of Amy Lee. Why I am not really sure and the photos would have no purpose in what I am trying to do. Talking about Ms. Lee is fine considering she is a subject that gives me pause especially when it comes to how I feel about her. I am someone who is searching for answers and I am very much going to ask any question that I feel needs to be answered or any question that feels relevant. I am not above getting questions from the people who are reading this blog as someone from the outside may be able to see a question that I have not answered. Or they may be able to see something that I may want to take a deeper look at. So right now since I am looking for what she represents. Though (joking) if someone can help me start an e-mail friendship with her then I would be eternally grateful. Obviously show her this blog first but I would love that person forever.

Back to serious. I also feel in this section I should say that this blog is meant to be a stream of consciousness written blog. I am doing it that way so that I don’t have time to really worry about what I am saying. So at times it might be a bit hard to understand. The only time I go back and change anything is either if I have something to add or if I just go back and start all over again. With the fears that I have about being considered crazy I feel it is better to just put it down and let it be. So the way it reads is mostly the way it came out of my head.

I have recently used a couple of curse words and if they offend you I apologize but I will not change those words. As I said above I am letting this be written as it comes out of my head and at that moment those words were what I was thinking. Though you might be able to tell that I try not to be limited in the words I use but I will admit that I may look up a word to make sure I can spell it right. I would like participation even though this is meant to help myself. I at some point may get away for a post or two to make a comment on something else but I hope that it still has some relevance to what I am trying to do. I appreciate everyone who is reading this blog. You are helping in an odd round about way. Please feel free to comment.

Thank you for your time.

A Representation of Something

This is a continuation of ideas that I covered in another post (for those who want to read it first “Music Soothes this Savage Mind“). As I keep going over the feelings I have for Amy Lee I keep coming back to the idea that she is just a human representation of something. A representation of what I have no idea. It does explain how there is a separation from her music and her. I mean I can still be very honest about the music from Evanescence. I really didn’t like the most recent album but that has no effect on how I think of her. I know that is an odd statement. Its odd because that should always be the way we think of art. The artist’s personality should have little connection to a person’s perception of the quality of the art created. In my search for answers I have found that not to be. I have also seen that idea being taken to the opposite extreme. But this isn’t the point of this post (maybe I’ll cover it later).

I think that most of my longing for a relationship of any kind with Ms. Lee (I’ll use the more respectful use of her name since I have never been given permission to call her anything else) is me longing for that which she represents in my head. I think on of the things that is obvious for me that she represents is the ability to have a job that I love and that I can make enough money so that I don’t have to worry about money. That really isn’t anything profound and is simple but for me it is a step forward. My steps have taken years partially because for a while I wasn’t questioning why I had an attraction to Amy Lee. I just want to say that my next few statements are not meant to change anyone’s minds. They are my own interactions and understanding and my own feelings. Take them for what you will. These are my personal feelings.

One of the major reasons why I hadn’t questioned things until now was religion (again I state that this is my personal feelings and not meant to change a mind. It is my understanding of things). I first had seen Ms. Lee like most when the music video for Bring Me to Life Came out. At first I was only drawn to the music. At some point a friend of mine reminded me of a Wiccan ideal (I was a follower of the Wiccan Religion at the time). Again at first Ms. Lee was not in my thoughts at this time. We were just taking time and meditating on the spiritual human connections. What we were trying to do was trace spiritual connections to the major people in our lives or the people that will be in our lives. It was one meditation period that I started to feel that greater connection with Ms. Lee. To my recollection I had not heard any of her music and as far as I can remember I had not seen anything on her in a while. Then that I day I started to feel that greater connection with her.

At the time this started I was not having a very good time. I had done some things that got me thrown out of my Father’s girlfriends house. I was living in a cockroach infested apartment with my wife (girlfriend at the time). I was happy to see something that would be coming later in life. How exactly it was supposed to happen was not something that I was worrying about. I really didn’t even know why her. When I looked for answers for those two major ideas I kept running into the idea that sometimes answers don’t come easily and you must wait for them to be presented to you. Because I like the thought of having something as wonderful as an ordained relationship that will come in time was great. It was a way of seeing a light at the end of a very dark and lonely tunnel. In a way she was an Angel that was going to lead me to a better place.

What got me to question was eventually I was wanting the answers to how could I even be able to connect with her. At first I was finding answers that said if I deepened the spiritual connection I could contact her over that connection. Sadly for a while I felt I had connected with her (crazy I know). The issue became that if I am connected with her then I should be able to see some sign from her. So the question became why can’t I see the signs. And the more I wanted the answers the more I started to realize that the answers I was getting were bullshit. I think that was one of the things that made me angry. The idea that the answers were basically lies that were meant to either keep me ignorant or they were meant to keep me guessing. When I went searching for answers on my own I kept coming to the idea that it was something that I had created myself to get me through the tough times. I eventually felt that I could move past that so now I wonder why I still think of her that way. It is a question that I still work on especially since my life is very much improving and I have a wife I love very much.

I will say that I did learn somethings from my time in the Wiccan Religion. One major thing I learned is that there is greater things in people. We are deep creatures even though we like to boil someone down to their most basic nature. That is one of the reasons why I don’t like most interviews and why I prefer to talk to people myself. So I will say that I would love to be able to understand the deeper nature of Amy Lee. In some ways I think it may help me understand myself. It can do that by understanding the questions I would ask. By what I ask her it represents the kind of answers I want to know. Either from myself or anybody. Then of course I still want some reassurance that my ability to judge people is as good as I think it is. I hope that this little look into my history is as informative for you as it was for me and I thank you for reading it. Since it is so long I am going to cut it off here and continue some of these ideas in another post.

Thank you for your time

Music Soothes this Savage Mind

I tried to write this post before but I didn’t like it. I think partially I had been trying to change what I was trying to say so I could avoid topics that I didn’t want to cover. I wanted to look at how music effects me and how it can change my mood and the way I think. I was leaving out a part that is both fascinating to me and relevant to my state of mind at times. It is how one particular voice effects me. The voice is Amy Lee’s. Her voice to me is amazing. She is not the best singer in the world but she has a special effect on me. It effects me in three different ways. The first is just as a member of Evanescence. What I mean by that is that some of the music (especially the harder stuff) is just things I turn on when I am wanting to listen to a song that fits my emotional state. There are any number of bands that do this too so this isn’t anything out of the ordinary.

The second part is that she has an ability to put so much emotional undertones behind a song that it can be comforting or it can take me deeper into my mind. I mean that the way she sings with some songs makes me want to take a deeper look at how I feel. The softer times when she sings (no matter the subject) can also spark a bit of creativity in me. This one is a little more interesting because there really is one other artist that does that. Jeff Buckley has the same effect (listen to his cover of “I know it’s over” by the Smiths for an example). I like this one because in a way she is a muse. I can use her music and try and find the underlying emotional context and build ideas from there. This in and of itself is very therapeutic because it helps me try to figure out more about emotions. Not just mine but how others deal with them.

But the last way her voice effects me is the one that I want to explore. I am just going to go over it lightly here so I can figure out what there is to it then I am going to get into it in one of the next posts. When I hear her voice and this time its more than just her singing. When I hear her voice I am comforted in a way that I usually get with being around people I know. I feel more of a since of empathy for her than many other people. I think there is a lot behind that but it is more than I want to cover here. Her meaning to me is something that I think goes beyond music so I am not exactly sure why I titled this like I did. The only thing I could think of right now is that this post has evolved further than I expected. I am beginning to feel a bit more comfortable about talking about the things that go on in my head. Though I still have that fear that it will drive people away I want to continue to work so I thank all of you who are reading these.

And always, thank you for your time

The ebb and flow

I am hitting another low. I have tried to start two other posts last night and tonight but again I can’t bring myself to make them. I again am finding it hard to write because I think that the way I want to say things sounds like shit. When I try to put the words on this blog they don’t come out anywhere near right. I am wanting to shut down again though this time I am not wanting to do anything. It is hard to handle these times. I think that if it weren’t for my wife and how it would effect her I might think more about just becoming a hermit. I want to cut myself off from the world and just be able to not give a shit. And frankly I want to go out and buy a big bottle of Jack Daniels and get completely shit faced. I know this is a bad idea and it is something that I fight a lot. I’m sorry.

Thank you for your time.

Anger issues till I’m red in the face

As I look for things that may not be the way I want them in myself, I keep coming back to something I have been dealing with since high school. My anger is not a prominent thing but when it does come up it is a problem. I have never really known why it gets so bad. I get annoyed at things that others do but they seem to effect me long after I should have moved on. I’ve blown up at my family at times. I am never really sure why I react like that since most of the discussions should never really end like that. The only thing I can really figure is that its a defense mechanism. I show anger when I am feeling vulnerable so that I might be able to get myself out of that kind of situation. Of course it never really worked but I kept doing it.

But of course the vulnerability idea doesn’t really explain the times I can get severe road rage (the best example I have). Those times where something simple just really pisses me off. I realize that it is a common occurrence in today’s time but I do think that (in me at least) it is not a good thing to get that pissed. There have been times where I have gotten that angry with my wife in the car but thankfully she tries to calm me down so I can concentrate on the other people driving. There is more to this and I want to get to the bottom of this. I think finding the cause is a good thing. I don’t need to find a way to deal with my anger. I just need to not let it affect me. I have read studies that I seem to hold up that trying to release your anger only amplifies the amount of anger that you feel (I think I really explained that wrong). They say that just trying to relax and let anger go is better than trying to find a healthy way to express it. In a way turning the healthy expression into something unhealthy. And as I sit here listening to George Carlin’s album Occupation Foole on vinyl that just relaxing really is a good idea. Though finding the source of the short fuse is also a good idea. I shall update you on the search when I have something.

Thank you for your time.